Empty nest survival kit

Written by Sue Williams for Australian Seniors

Becoming an empty nester can be difficult for many parents. It can feel as painful as losing a family member, going through a divorce, or selling the family home. However, it doesn’t attract anything like the same kind of care and attention.

“It’s one of the most significant life changes any of us face,” says Dr Amelia Haines, a medical practitioner, mediator and relationships therapist. “For some people, it can be a relief to have their lives back again, but for others, such a profound change can be serious. It slides into an adjustment disorder and can even develop into full-blown depression.”

Why empty nest syndrome feels harder than ever

The effect of children leaving home is different for every parent. Yet today, many people perceive this life change as much tougher than it was in previous decades. These days, parents tend to have their children later, says clinical psychologist Elisabeth Shaw, CEO of Relationships Australia, NSW. Those children tend to leave the family home later, just as their parents are thinking ahead to retirement, and may be struggling with the care of elderly parents.

With so many parents now also helping their kids financially – according to the Productivity Commission, the ‘Bank of Mum and Dad’ has become somewhere between the fifth and ninth biggest mortgage lender in Australia – money may also be tighter and free time to enjoy being a couple again becomes shorter.

“These are all disruptions, coming one on top of another,” says Elisabeth. “We know it’s a big transition for parents and their children, and the end of an era, but it’s something that isn’t discussed in the literature.

“There’s been a big change in the last 20 years. In the past, it was a sharp transition when children left home to get married or to buy their own house, which defined the end of childhood and softened the experience, but now it’s become much more blurred with children moving in and out. We joke about ‘boomerang children’ leaving home much later, but it can make it harder on parents.”

However, some parents cope well with becoming an empty nester. Corinne and Peter Collins, for instance, were ready from the get-go to see their children leave. “For us, it was more of a positive thing,” says Corinne, now 70. “We had always known it was going to happen, so we were prepared.

“It meant that it wasn’t traumatic at all, and it gave us more time to ourselves. Then, when our daughter went over to live in England for a while, and our son went to America, we had holidays visiting them there.”

How to prepare for your children leaving home

Dr Haines suggests parents should remember that they’re bringing up the new generation to become independent adults. That means when they leave home, it usually signals a job well done. Parents will naturally be on call for support and should make that clear, but it’s a time to celebrate success.

In addition, parents should always make sure they have plenty of other strings to their bows. “It’s important to have a full life of your own at the same time,” says Dr Haines. “Make sure you have friends of your own and hobbies to keep you interested. For instance, I have two children still at home, and three have left, but I love Sudoku, so I do that every day.”

When the children do leave, even though you might not be so needed as a parent anymore, you need to know you’re still worthwhile as a human being. Volunteering can also help fill any gaps.

Elisabeth believes that parents should prepare themselves for the change. They need to think about what life will be like without children at home, to step back and be ready to embrace the transition when it comes.

“Couples should take the time to review and discuss their lives’ she says. “They should work out what they like to do, whether that’s travel or hobbies, and make an effort to pay conscious attention to themselves and each other.

“It’s always important, however, to have good communication with the children as sometimes they expect parents to keep everything the same and are shocked when it’s not. But parents have to think about their own lives, too.”

Supporting your children when they move out

Kim Harper, manager of Parentline at the Yourtown charity in Brisbane, says it’s interesting how many calls the phone counselling service receives from parents about their adult children.

“It’s a parent’s job to raise independent adults, but when children start creating distance from their parents, it’s important that parents step back too, while indicating that they’re still willing to remain an anchor in their children’s lives,” says Kim. “That can be really traumatic for parents.

“But it’s important to be proactive and not react emotionally. Parents need to talk to their children so minor irritations don’t blow up. They can say they’re feeling sad but should tell their children they’ll always be there for them. Good communication is key.” 

 Empty nester fast facts

The Australian Seniors Series: Empty Nesters 2024 Report finds…

• 65% of empty nesters miss their children when they move out of home
• 75% offer financial support to children who have left home
• 19% move house to be closer to their children
• 35% spend more time on hobbies or interests