How to connect with teenage grandkids

Written by Claire Isaac for Australian Seniors

It’s not always all fun and boardgames when you’re a grandparent. Once those little ones have lost interest in lollipops and Lego, there often comes a great divide that grandparents fear to tread. The generation gap is a world of social media, fashion, and rap music and teens gaining autonomy which, can feel very alien. Suddenly that little cutie you could cuddle in the supermarket becomes someone who doesn’t even want to talk to you in public. 

But psychologist, teacher, author and host of the Raising Teens podcast Collett Smart says that gap doesn’t actually have to become a chasm between you. “Research tells us that teens still significantly value their parents and family. Family gives teens an anchor,” she tells us. “They may not always show it and may at times seem quiet or even sullen, but they need us to not withdraw from them during this time.”

In other words, your teen grandkids still need you to be the loving grandparent, just without the OTT (over the top) supermarket smooches.

When your grandkids become teenagers 

“It’s important to remember during this time that you’re now dealing with a teen whose brain is basically ‘under construction’ and the physical, hormonal and neurological changes going on for them can feel quite stressful,” says parenting author and educator Maggie Dent. “They will often feel more emotional, uncertain of themselves, forgetful and critical of themselves and others.” 

“What they need from grandparents is for you to just walk beside them, be trustworthy and respectful, really listen to them, accept them for who they are and above all let them know that you’re there for them, no matter what. My ‘3 Cs’ for communicating with adolescents is to do so with calmness, curiosity and compassion.”

There are ways to relate to teens during this phase – and ways to not take their teenage reactions personally, as well.

“Don’t criticise your teen grandchild. They face enough criticism from society already,” Collett advises. “I think it is important to listen more than give advice. Ask your teen open-ended questions – especially about hobbies or activities you know they love. Then talk to them about it. Support them by watching their sport or dance concert but watch their body language and see how they feel about you approaching them after a game. Some love it."

“Don’t be hurt if they look embarrassed. It’s not about you, it’s about them feeling self-conscious in general. You can always text them a message of encouragement afterwards.”

Managing your expectations from grandchildren

Maggie agrees, adding that you may need to modify your expectations from teens once they reach a certain age. “The key to reaching adolescents is to practice caring, empowering communication in all your interactions with them no matter how minor,” she says. “Once your grandkids reach teenage years, you may need to shift how you connect with them by showing an interest in their world and their passions, rather than expecting them to come to you.”

“If you think a teen is struggling with something personal, tell them you are there to listen. It may not be obvious to them that you are,” says Collett. “Talk about some of your own struggles growing up. Teens are often fascinated about how some struggles are the same across generations.” 

Both our experts agree that there is definitely no need to run full pelt into TikTok videos, pop icon Charli xcx or employing modern slang words to strengthen your connection (although if you want to interpret what they’re saying, see our new words). 

“Don’t try to imitate the way they talk, but maybe tell them some of the terms/slang you used when you were young. And use humour. It goes a long way in creating a relaxed atmosphere and breaking tension,” says Collett. 

“You can have some fun asking your grandkids about things from popular culture, such as what particular emojis mean, why everyone is so obsessed with Taylor Swift or if they can share a playlist they like with you,” adds Maggie. “But really your grandkids will respond to you being genuinely interested in them and loving them regardless of the situation.”

Five ways to navigate the generation gap

How to connect with your grandchildren 

1. Remain curious and kind, rather than critical.
2. Try to find the balance of connecting rather than interrogating.
3. Listen rather than give advice.
4. Remember that each grandchild is unique.
5. Humour can be a great connection tool.

Six new words your grandchild might be using

New slang terms and phrases 

• Brat: No longer meaning a spoiled child, this is someone who is admirably confident, hedonistic and independent. 
• Looksmaxxing: Making yourself appear as attractive as possible.
• Brainrot: The effect of consuming too much low-quality content online.
• Sigma: A dominant leader who is cool and popular while still remaining independent.
• Rizz: Short for charisma.
• Slay: Amazing, great work.