Social media etiquette after a loved one has died

Written by Ingrid Laurence for Australian Seniors

The morning after her 80-year-old mother Susan died in hospital, Belinda messaged an old work friend who had visited her recently, to tell him the sad news and thank him for providing comfort to her mother in her final days. A couple of hours later, Belinda, received a frantic phone call from her sister.

Without checking first, this old work friend had posted the news on his Facebook page and tagged Susan’s account, instantly alerting her 220 Facebook friends to her death. Belinda’s sister had woken to dozens of messages of condolence.

The problem was they hadn’t been able to contact all of Susan’s relatives yet, including her teenage granddaughter, who was away on a school camp. She was now in danger of learning that her grandmother had died when she next checked her Facebook.

It highlights what experts say is the number one thing to remember when talking about death on social media. “It is important to allow the family to share the news first and in their own way,” says Melbourne-based funeral celebrant Fiona Garrivan, who has seen firsthand how upsetting it is to families to discover that someone has gone public with the news before they’re ready.

“There can be a tendency to rush to social media to pay tribute to someone you love, but sharing this news prematurely or without consent can add unnecessary stress and hurt in an already difficult time. It can be particularly upsetting if all family members have not yet been notified and have learnt the news via a tag on social media platforms.”

There may be many valid reasons why the family has not yet posted the news themselves, Fiona says. “Firstly, they may need time to come to terms with their loss and gather the strength to share the news. They may not be ready for the influx of messages or the taking on of other people’s grief.” Equally, they might not want to answer endless questions yet, such as funeral details or the circumstances of the death.

Undoubtedly, however, social media can be an asset for some bereaved families. “It can certainly make it easier to inform people of funeral arrangements. It can also be a platform for people to share memories and offer words of comfort,” Fiona says. “It may also be a less expensive option than newspaper notices.”

The five dos and don’ts of posting about death online

Do let the family lead the way with any social media posts. “Every family deserves the right to process their loss and decide when and how to share the news with others,” says Fiona.

Don’t ask for further details about the death or funeral. “The family may not want these details shared publicly, or they may not yet have all the answers.”

Do ensure the stories, memories and photos you share online are respectful and appropriate. Perhaps take the lead from the images the family have posted themselves of their loved one.

Don’t tag the family without permission. This can help avoid them being overwhelmed by notifications.

Do help your own loved ones by planning ahead for what happens to your social media accounts after you die. Each platform has its own rules. However, most social media sites allow loved ones to close the account or put it in a special memorialised setting. You will need to ask someone to act as your digital executor, and share your plans with them.

Other ways to remember a loved one

Paying tribute to someone who has died on social media isn’t the only way to remember them. “Many families encourage people to make other gestures that express their love," explains funeral celebrant Fiona Garrivan.

These can include:

• Asking funeral guests to donate to a nominated charity in lieu of sending flowers.
• Setting up a memorial fundraiser in a loved one’s name to benefit a particular charity.
• Using a crowdfunding page to raise money for a cause close to the loved one’s heart.
• Leaving a bequest in your own Will to a charity that has supported a loved one in their final years. 

How over 50s are creating a plan for their digital assets

The Australian Seniors Series: The Cost of Death 2.0 Report finds…

• 62% of over 50s have communicated their wishes to loved ones about their digital assets after death
• 33% have decided what to do with their social media accounts
• 29% have plans to transfer ownership or access to their digital assets