Your guide to talking about death with your loved ones

While death is an inevitable part of life, it can be incredibly difficult to discuss death and dying. However, avoiding conversations about death and dying can mean your loved ones aren’t aware of your wishes about funeral planning, estate planning or end-of-life care. 

According to the Australian Seniors Cost of Death 2.0 Report 2023, more than 4 in 5 (85%) over 50 believe there’s a need for more discussions about death and dying in Australia, despite less than 2 in 5 being very comfortable discussing it. 

When asked why end-of-life conversations need to happen, the main reasons include death being a natural topic that shouldn’t be taboo (77%) and ensuring our wishes are met (64%). 

In this guide, you’ll learn how to start open and honest conversations about death and dying, supported by practical scripts and question prompts to ensure your estate plan wishes and preferences are known by your loved ones.

Why is it important to discuss death and dying with your loved ones?

Unfortunately, many older Australians haven’t put funeral plans or estate plans into place, which can result in their wishes not being met when the time comes. 

While it can feel uncomfortable, broaching the topic of death and dying with a loved one or family member is key to ensuring your family and friends are on the same page about your end-of-life wishes, and it’s important for a range of reasons:

• Understand how your loved ones feel about death: From fear and anxiety to sadness and even denial, conversations about dying give your loved ones a safe space to process their emotions together.
• Align on your end-of-life preferences: Discussions about death and dying give you the opportunity to share your wishes and clarify any uncertainty or ambiguity about key estate planning documents (like your will) as well as medical care and advance care planning decisions.
• Ensure your loved ones are taken care of after your death: Talking about death is a helpful prompt to ensure your will and end-of-life plans are accurate and up to date, such as ensuring you’ve nominated the right super fund beneficiaries.

The Australian Seniors Cost of Death 2.0 Report 2023 research also reveals that 22% of Australians over 50 don’t have a plan in place for their assets and belongings after they pass. Interestingly, nearly 7 in 10 (68%) also haven’t given much thought to managing their digital legacy after their death either.

Learn how and why to establish your estate and power of attorney in this practical estate planning guide. 

How to discuss death and dying: your step-by-step guide

1. Planning ahead about what you’d like to cover

The best way to navigate tricky conversations (like discussing death and dying) is to map out what topics you’d like to discuss. The clearer you are on what you want to say and your own decisions about future care, the easier it will be to have an open, honest discussion with your loved ones. 

In tangible terms, the best ways to plan for an end-of-life conversation include:

• Reflect on your own feelings about death and use these emotions to frame conversations in an empathic way.
• Write down the key talking points you want to cover (such as where you want to hold your memorial service and future decisions about your medical care) and create a rough agenda to keep your conversation on track.
• Find the right time to talk with your loved ones and set expectations upfront to ensure there are no surprises about what topics you’ll be covering.

2. Starting a difficult conversation

So, what should you say when talking about death and dying with your loved ones? 

When the time comes to have this discussion, here are a few practical conversation starters you can use to break the ice, find common ground and show sensitivity to what they might be navigating.

Explain why this conversation is important to you: This could be anything from receiving a terminal diagnosis and entering palliative care to simply wanting to share your end-of-life preferences.

Conversation starters:

• “After a recent chat with my doctor, they’ve asked me to talk about a few things with you…”
• “I know this is an uncomfortable topic to talk about, but it’s really important to me because…”

Explain why this conversation matters: Sharing estate planning information with your loved ones can help to avoid arguments, disagreements or conflict between family members after your death and ensure your wishes are followed during this stressful time. 

Conversation starters:

• “I want to chat through my estate plans with you to ensure we’re on the same page about…”
• “I want to make sure you’re taken care of after I’m gone, which is why I want to discuss…”

Create space for your loved one to ask questions: Everyone will have a different reaction to this sensitive topic, so ensure you give your loved ones the ability to voice their emotions and concerns. 

Conversation starters:

• “How do you feel about discussing death and dying?”
• “Has this conversation brought up any emotions for you?”
• “Do you have any questions or concerns you’d like to chat with me about?”

3. Navigating your loved one’s emotional responses

Death and dying are topics that can bring up big, complex feelings. It’s important to come into this conversation knowing that being emotional is a natural response your family members and loved ones are likely to encounter.

No matter when emotional responses you encounter, there are steps you can take to navigate this scenario, including:

• Acknowledge how your loved one feels and show empathy to their emotions.
• Communicate how you’re feeling and the emotions that this discussion brings up for you.
• Avoid reacting, arguing, or escalating the situation. Stay calm and take breaks or pauses in the conversation to give everyone time to process their emotions. 

4. Bringing it back to end-of-life practicalities 

The goal of talking about death and dying is to ensure your end-of-life preferences and estate plans are clearly communicated with your loved ones. 

If emotions start to run high, it can be helpful to bring the conversation back to the practical side of end-of-life planning by explaining:

• Who will be the executor of your will and estate, and what will they need to do?
• What happens to your assets after you pass away, particularly things that might not be covered in your will (such as joint bank accounts and properties you own with someone else)?
• Do you have preferences around the end-of-life healthcare you receive?
• Are you open to organ donation or becoming an organ donor?
• What are your wishes for things like funeral planning and memorial services? Download the Australian Seniors funeral wishlist for a practical guide to making key funeral decisions.

Ultimately, talking about death and dying with your loved ones can be a difficult conversation. However, it’s important to use these discussions to communicate your estate plans, funeral preferences, and end-of-life care wishes to those who matter most to you. 

Learn more about the evolution of funerals, and the trend of shifting from mourning to celebrating life. Download the Australian Seniors Cost of Death 2.0 Report 2023 now.